First Order of Business:

Updates! I haven't been keeping this blog up very well. And I intend to do better at that this year. I was busy all of 2011 doing lots of things; podcasting, reviewing comics, getting interested in writing comics, and doing the ANWA Newsletter. AND on top of all that being a mom and a wife! So, two full time jobs.

Yeah, superwoman couldn't cut it if she were me and a few things had to give.

I've stepped back from a ton of podcasting ventures. I started a comic book writing class (which is excellent) and then I went to "Life, The Universe, and Everything Symposium" and realized that I comic book writing, while interesting, fun, and I might actually enjoy doing, isn't where I want to be right now. Mostly due to a keynote address that I attended at the LTUE symposium, just really hit me that I'm distracted with comic book writing and not focusing on my one real love. (And novel writing has been my focus since I was a kid.) Kinda an expensive thing to realize now, in light of the comic class, but still not a total loss as writing stories which ever medium still involves meeting at a blank screen/page and putting something there. And I'm definitely learning its the same process regardless what format you write.

And then the big hit that is happening in all this… I won't be the ANWA newsletter editor much longer. I have extremely mixed feelings on this as I've really enjoyed being editor and I wanted to continue for another year at least (if not longer). (If I could pick the one job I'd excel at and would find myself perfectly suited to perform, it would be designer and inspirer. Two things I have a LOT of training in. And something I never tire of, nor out of ideas.) I won't go into much detail or opinion about it other than to say my leaving does not come without me fighting for the position and still losing. And no, it's not an amicable departure. I guess I wouldn't be as upset about it if I hadn't been 100% vocal for the last few months about intending to stay on and being told the position was mine for as long as I wanted it. (Like I said, I fought and worked hard for this position.) I've put a lot of hours, thought, and spiritual effort into creating a positive and uplifting forum that all members could enjoy and be inspired to write from. I've gotten a lot of feed back from ANWA members who've been inspired by it. So how things have turned when so much positive has come out of it… It's a big slap to the face. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm really hurt by this.

So February has been a ball of both positive and negative outcomes… It's been intense… traveling, drama, all out battling for something I've invested a lot of time and effort into, doing an online comic writing class, more traveling, then being inspired by a symposium… by other writers who've battled their own wars on their path to success… It was exactly what I needed when I've been so low and in the dumps. And then comic reviewing side of things… suddenly the stories are out of this world as well… so all around the lowest lows of my year and the highest highs to help me through them. It's been very emotional across the board.

So what's in store for Aimee then?

More time to write is on the horizon. Although I'm still working through emotions as so many ups and downs, consequences of being one of those people that fully invests herself in her endeavors, just play havoc with my ability to work on the page. If I'm not gushing about a story I read I'm ranting about my frustrations for the last two weeks. Yay for being an emotional person! And I highly sensitive one at that. (Which I find is one of my strengths rather than a weakness. But it too needs its place to breathe in my life...)

So, goal time… March is my pick up and move on month. Where I expect that I'll buckle down and get back on my writer track and do what I was born to do. This blog post is a note to my subconscious that whatever happened in February happened, don't let it get you down. There's your mourning time to work through things both ups and downs… but come March 1st, you get back in the game. I'm a fighter. Fighters take on wounds at times and they need to heal. Do that, but don't let it keep you from jumping back in the ring.

"Look me in the eye.

It's okay if you're scared. So am I.

But we're scared for different reasons. I'm scared of what I won't become, you're scared of what I could become.

Look at me.

I won't let myself end where I started. I won't let myself finish where I began.

I know what is within me. Even if you can't see it yet.

Look me in the eyes. I have something more important than courage.

I have patience.

I will become what I know I am."

- Michael Jordan

Confessions of a Amateur Writer #2: You gotta love it forever!

I've been writing on my current WIP (Work In Progress) since June 2009. It seems like forever! But I'm still insanely focused on it. Which is good. There are days when I think "Am I done yet???!"

I confess there have been times when the only accomplishing thing I did to add to my word count was to open all my files and run a word count on everything I've written so far to check how far I am. Making absolutely sure I hadn't missed something somewhere. Am I indeed at the word count I confess to be at?

I thought I was more than half way through by now, but alas I am not. I'm starting to think this obsession is going to be a life long thing. Will it ever end?

I happened to talk to one of my writer friends the other day. I'm reading her story and I haven't finished it yet. This is the second version I've been reading. She had a confession to tell me when I told her how far I was into her novel. She's rewriting it again. This makes it her third rewrite. We both laughed sheepishly.

The reality of what she said hit me afterwards. I'm in this for life. There won't be a day that goes by I don't think about what I'm writing about. And the first draft is just the first of many rewrites to come. When I finally do get picked up by someone to publish it, I'll be rewriting it yet again.

Insanity just doesn't cover this level of strange. I think you just gotta love it forever. Just like you love your kids even though they drive you crazy sometimes too. Hey, I've heard novels compared to kids. Maybe that is the reason why. You will never be free of your kids, just like you'll never be free of your story.

So the moral of this post is... If you're gonna write it you better love it forever. Because chances are you will write it once and then rewrite it until your eyes are bleeding and you want to stab it to death. Or you want to stab yourself to death? There will be days when it is purely delightful to be in the pages of your novel writing, discovering, plowing through, making the magic happen. And then there will be days when you are ready to rip all the pages to shreds, kill all your characters, and burn every word you've ever written.

Caution to the wise... before you light a match, remember to make the commitment before you start writing to love your story no matter what. It's like a marriage commitment.

HEY, did I just do that... compare writing to marriage and family? It's the story of my life!

Take that linear writing!

"The woman who work with her hands only is a Laborer. The woman who works with her hands and her head is a Craftswoman. The woman who works with her hands, her head, and her heart is an Artist."
~St. Francis of Assisi

So for the last two weeks I've struggled to write the way that I have been for the last six months. Nothing has been coming as easily as it has been. And then I discovered two things:

1. I'm not listening to the voice within that says "Write from this point today." Which means that yes I'm jumping around in the novel but the more I try to make myself write from Chapter 1 to 2 to 3 and so forth, the less able I feel to write at all. I just end up writing and laboring on the piece maybe even doing a job of craftswoman a bit, but it isn't fun, it feels like a job. And I have a hard time making myself sit down and do it. Not what I want to be doing right now.

2. I'm trying TOO hard to make it perfect. (Especially first go around.) Again, another issue I've had in the past that has made me stop writing altogether.

Okay so number 1 is easily fixed. I just stop trying to be linear here and I start jumping around again. No problem. I know exactly where I need to be writing then today. I got to listen to that. But number 2? Pulling a blank? Maybe if I go with number 1 it will remedy itself because I'll be writing from the heart and that's a pretty big pull for me. This whole learning your writing process thing can be both fun and perplexing. But you gotta love it right? And telling yourself to not be a perfectionist, yeah, I've been saying that to myself for years and has it ever helped?

*laughs and looks around with shifty eyes*

My Stages of Writing:

CREATION STAGE:
Where I contemplate plots, characters, what the point of the story is, what drives it, why should I care, why other people should care, and why it's worthwhile to write it if at all. I may in fact write a chapter or two and then lose interest. I may write out long background on each character, getting down every little detail so if I actually decide to sit down and write the story someday, I'll have all of my notes and summaries to fall back on.

Up until 4 months ago... this was where I honestly went to. I really never got past this stage until now.

SPEW STAGE:
I'm actually writing my first rough rough draft. IF I have more than 20,000+ words dedicated to this story by this point, I am now officially spewing real work, potential publish-someday-material, and I'm not just thinking and making IDEA STAGE fodder. The work is consistent. I can even say how many words I'm writing on a week to week basis. YAY!

EDITING STAGE:
rewrite, rewrite, rewrite, rewrite, rewrite, rewrite... everybody now...

(A stage I have not had to privilege to really KNOW as of this day in 2009. I've had my brush with a rewrite but it isn't a real rewrite for me, in my mind, unless I have a complete story to rewrite. That is all 80K to 100K completed size of it. And that mile mark is yet to be accomplished in this amateur writer's list of accomplishments. Don't worry I'll get there... It's on my bucket list of things to do before I die.)

PUBLISH STAGE:
I've heard other people talk about this stage... It sounds cool... I have no idea what it will be like. SOOOO, I oogle at it, raise an eyebrow in its general direction, consider myself at pre-published stage, and contemplate what I will do when I actually cross this finish line. How will it feel? Will I cry? Will I scream?! Will I buy a huge TUB of ice cream and celebrate brain freeze style?

Will my kids still consider me their mom and not that "strange person who talks to herself sitting in the corner, in her pajama attire writing" by then?????

That will definitely be a confession time...

Maybe even therapy?

LOL!

*****

AND... that is about the extent of my writing "stages" at this point. I'm sure as I actually write and write and write some more, move on in my knowledge and experience of writing I'll have more stages. I'm just enjoying the point in my life where I'm writing consistently. As in, every day I look forward to the kids being in bed and having 3 to 4 hours of real writing time. I look forward to it EVERY day!

There is so much about writing I have not yet experienced. The whole journey and repeating it.

It's a ride!

Confessions of a amateur writer:

I have a love hate relationship with writing.

Yes that is right, I fully admit and confess I sometimes want to pull my hair out at the ends because what I've written sounds so awful...

Then again there are days when it is SO exciting I can't stop and everything is flowing great and I'm so passionate about getting it all down, and it sounds so good...

Yes, I am very conflicted.

You would think I'd just throw in the towel and realize the love hate relationship is so twisted. But do I?

Just when I'm sure I will throw in the towel forever, I have one of those really awesome writing days.

See where this is going?


Now I understand what it means to be considered insane. It is also why I finally broke down and bought one of those shirts that says "The voices won't let me stop writing." It's absolutely true! I will wear that shirt as a badge of my insanity.

Now I know what you are thinking, "what kind of a writing day is she having today?"